


goodbye.

by PeculiarHeadphones



Category: EOS 10 (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Apologies, Dreams, Goodbyes, LISTEN I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS OKAY, M/M, Moving On, anywYs, but are they really? - Freeform, letting go, makeshift funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 01:52:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarHeadphones/pseuds/PeculiarHeadphones
Summary: a strange dream leaves ryan with an idea





	goodbye.

Sometimes, in his dreams, he can even _feel_ Akmazian’s calloused palms.

 

He knows he needs to get over this, to truly move on. He knows he has to leave Akmazian behind. So why can’t he?

 

Every time he wakes up from clouded dreams of them just living their lives together, Ryan calls Morpheus over. He holds the cat tightly, trying to get as close to the last piece of Akmazian he has left.

 

One night, he dreams he’s standing in what seems to be a nebula. Swirls of various shades of dark blue and black surround him, with faraway stars twinkling ever-so-brightly, the floor reminding him of a water mirage, distorting the image of him looking down at his feet.

 

Ryan walks for a bit, unsure of what exactly this dream is. It doesn’t feel like any other dream, there isn’t that feeling that something’s off, and when he tries to control this one like he has with other lucid dreams, he finds that he…can’t.

 

A distant figure has his back turned towards him, and the haze that the swirls of blue and mirage offer make it nearly impossible to determine who it is from the distance he’s at. Hesitantly, Ryan moves forward, taking cautious steps. He’s tempted to call out, but decided against it.

 

At first, it was just suspicion, but as he grew closer to the figure, he was sure: it was him. It was Akmazian.

 

He seemed serene, at peace, gazing up into the nebula surrounding them. After who knows how long, he turns around, his dark eyes staring straight at Ryan.

 

There’s so much he wants to say, about him, to him. How upset he is that they didn’t get to be what they wanted to. How often he dreams of having a life with him. How he tried so hard to move on, but some small part is stuck on him. How every time he forgets a minor detail of him that he once had mapped out like the back of his hand, he can’t deal with anything for the rest of the day. How he wished their last kiss had lasted just a bit longer. How sorry he is, for everything.

 

But when he opens his mouth to speak, the words get caught in his throat. Akmazian offers him that fond smile that always made Ryan melt, sadness twinkling in his eyes like the stars around them. Akmazian took a step towards him, and Ryan wanted nothing more than to rush into his arms and let everything else fall away. But Ryan can’t move. Not forward. Not back. He looks around and sees that the space they’re in seems as if it’s closing in on him. Slight panic settles in his chest and he looks to Akmazian.

 

The other still says nothing, just nods and remains smiling. Ryan’s eyes begin welling up, wishing that he could at least just _touch_ him one more time. But when he blinks the tears away, Akmazian is nowhere to be seen. The space around him keeps closing in, and Ryan can’t even find it in himself to scream, just frantically looking around, unable to move his feet.

 

He knows it’s just a dream, but he thinks he might actually die.

 

The space is nearly about to crush him and Ryan’s mind returns to Akmazian. The things they never got to do, things they never got to say. The words that caught in his throat and felt as if they may choke him. Above all else, there’s three things that he wishes that he could tell him more than anything else.

 

_I love you, I’m sorry, Goodbye._

 

Ryan blinks away his tears, and when his eyes open again, the nebula is back to its original size, and Akmazian is standing in front of him once again. They extend their hands out just enough that their fingers can graze each other. Dark eyes meet tearful ones, and Ryan takes a shaky step forward.

 

And then, he wakes up.

 

Throughout the day, the strange dream stays clear and vivid in Ryan’s mind. It keeps him distracted, but thankfully no emergencies arise. There’s no cloudy haze surrounding the events, no pieces that he can’t quite remember. It’s strange, and Ryan questions if it was just a dream, or something else.

 

Ryan doesn’t like the idea that dreams all have meanings, it sounds like some Freudian bullshit some nice guy would talk to him about back at college. But the events of the dream left him puzzled, and gave him an idea.

 

He managed to snag a candle and a lighter from Jane’s room. He headed down into that one sector of the cargo bay. It seemed so familiar, yet somehow so foreign.

 

He sat down on the cold floor, setting the candle down next to him and lighting it. He sighed and looked around at his surroundings, not entirely sure of what to do next.

 

Ryan sat in pure silence for a few minutes, going over everything in his mind.

 

And then, he began to speak.

 

“I’m...I’m not sure what exactly to say here, but it’s worth a shot, right?”

 

Silence.

 

“Thing is, I don’t know where to start. We left too much unsaid. Mostly because I was just...afraid. What if we couldn’t clear your name? What if something happened to you? Then I’d live forever stuck on you. But now here I am, with so much to tell you. But you’re….”

 

Silence.

 

“I don’t think I need to tell you how much you meant to me. How awful it is that you’re...gone, and you’re not coming back.”

 

Silence.

 

“I don’t regret one second of it. If I could, I’d do it all a thousand times. You helped everything make sense, even if it didn’t last.”

 

Silence.

  
  
“And I think...I’ll always love you. That will never change, even after I’ve long moved on.”

 

Silence.

 

“There’s a thousand things I could apologize for, but...I don’t think that’s what I need to do here.”

 

Silence.

  
  
“We didn’t get the ending we deserved.”

 

Silence.

  
  
“A part of me is always gonna miss you. I’ll never get the closure that I really want. It’s like our tragedy is, I dunno, etched into my bones at this point.”

 

Silence.

 

“But maybe this will be enough.” 

 

Silence.

 

"So,"

 

Silence.

  
  
“Akmazian...I love you, more than you’ll ever get to know. And I could write a book on everything that I wish I could say.”

  
  
Silence. 

 

“But you’re gone, never coming back, so…”

 

Silence.

  
  
“Goodbye.”

 

Silence.

 

Ryan blew out the candle, and sat in the darkness for a while longer. After a few minutes, he stood up, leaving the candle and lighter behind him, and began to walk away.

 

Before going through the exit, he took one last look around the cargo bay, saying one final, mental goodbye to what was, and what will never be.

 

As Ryan exited, he wasn’t sure if the day would come where he could truly let go of Akmazian. But he did know that his chest felt lighter, and his eyes didn’t feel like they were about to burst into tears. His chest still clenched at the thought of Akmazian, but perhaps that too, would come to pass.

 

As he made his way out of the cargo bay, he noted the air hitting his lungs, the sound of his footsteps,the feeling of his clothes against his skin. He didn’t dare look back, in fear that he may never leave. All he could do was move forward at this point.

 

After all, it was about time to feed Morpheus.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ
> 
> yall know ive written way more sad fics abt this than necessary, but i just wanted to write one with ryan actually getting closure and saying goodbye. in a way, this is also my goodbye to ak? he was one of my favorite characters and ik it was for the best, but i still cry over him being gone tbh
> 
> PLEASE comment if you read this. it means more than you realize. 
> 
> also, in case you like crying and being sad, heres my rymazian playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/pervertedheadphones/playlist/7wG4hWXtkc4HttkLdO7Z5F?si=cGB0zZGLSMOAAo8tVKKE2A
> 
> my tumblr is peculiar-headphones, come scream with me!


End file.
